Sociale fobie sucks

Het is soms overweldigend. Je zo bewust voelen van mensen om je heen. Niet comfortabel en gespannen. Niet weten hoe je je moet gedragen. Angstig om iets te zeggen. Moeite met socialiseren. Niet jezelf kunnen zijn – wel bij mensen die mijn muur hebben afgebroken. Ik heb vandaag iets spanmends , ik krijg straks visite van iemand anders die bij me is en ik zit mezelf op te vreten vanbinnen. Hopelijk gaat het goed… Vanavond ga ik thuis slapen om bij te komen. In me eigen huisje rijk voor mezelf. Ugh, nu nog de dag doorkomen…

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Gender queer being proud and out

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Surfer dude sascha kai

I am f…king happy with this picture because i look like a surfer dude or dudet. I always wanted to look like a surfer.. First my style was very slobby because i didnt care when i was young i just went to skool with my gym clothes lmao. Then i was this baggy skatergirlboi. Then very girly around 14 because i wanted to be accepted during high school and i didnt wanted to get bullied anymore! But i totally dont like my old self super girly pictures because its so not me! I do look good or something but hell no. Is that my fucking sister? Then there was a time that i went to school with a dress on and the next day cool guy clothes and they asked me if i trade days to skip classes with my twin. Was quite funny. But i was experimenting my style and who i was and i didnt know it anymore well i did but i was afraid of all the cruel teenagers with a big filty mouth calling me shitty thing. A Dutch word was manwijf, it is funny cuz it means menwoman. Its actually a negative insult but i enjoyed hearing it but yet felt not accepted. But one day i went in a pink Drees with a pair heels and they Called me travestite. Actually putting me in a pink Cinderella dress does make me feel like a travestite. So they were right. Nowadays im an adult and no its not as boring as you think to be an adult. Of course you have to pay Bulls and stuff but people are polder and are getting wrinkles from all there laughs at people what they thought was funny and now regret it and beautiful wrinkles from their lives… They do not Billy or insult as much as teenagers who are just not that developed to think of not being silly. I think bullying actually helps US to toughen up so i dont mind the way life. But it does Hurt.

So now as an adult i once shaved my hair and was almost bald but i didnt want to look like a Soccer boy. XD so i grew it and now its perfectly fine. Short at the front and a little longer at thebackside and shaved at the left punky style.

My style thesedays is surfish, a Rockstar in leather or an army outfit because i like to appear tough or hippie sweet caring kindness look. So basically im a surferdude, a girl in army who fights for women rights, Rockstar man and hippie unisex androgynxD lmao

i made because i identify gender queer and more edged to ftm (male) but still i feel sometimes female. But i feel many times more comfortable being a dude. But very occassionally i like being a girl. I dont know if thats called gender queer, because i aint 50/50 more like 80/20 male female. And ocassionally I DO love it to be looking feminine, because that’s also a part of me, if you see my sister in a leather feminine suit? Well, yep that’s not my god dang sister. That’s me too. If you see me in a suit with a tie and very masculine, that’s not my brother, that’s also me, i do have a brother though, he looks like me, so yes it could be my brother but STILL! lololol I really am not hundred precent one gender, i dont see myself as one gender. But if i have to choose it would be male but in this world i do not have to choose so i am two genders.

They are also going to research my body because ive been born premature 2,5 months too early in this world. And that fucks up chromosones so i could have not only X female chromosones but also a Y male chromosones. Because my body has both female and male features. I am going to take testosterone because it makes my dysphoria much less and i would be incredibly happy when that day will begin. Im going to keep a party ^^

good ways to show that you care for someone

When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family happy times, barbecues, and vacations; they focused on painful memories and all the ways I felt my family had “ruined my life.”

The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion and unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Sascha was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: We focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

A lot of studies suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement.

It’s an epidemic in an individualistic culture where self-reliance, autonomy, and the pursuit of personal gain can leave us feeling isolated and pressured to succeed. This may not be true for everyone, but I know when I get caught up complaining, nine out of ten times what I need to do is stop obsessing about the circumstances of my life.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve learned we don’t need to live life in a constant state of reaction to things that seem difficult or unfair. We don’t have to be the victims of bad coming at us. Our lives don’t have to be the sum of our problems—not if we take responsibility for putting good into the world.

That starts by fostering a greater appreciation for our interdependence. We are not alone. The world is not against us, and we don’t have to be against each other. We don’t have to let our fears, insecurities, and wants boil over inside us until we’re all a bunch of incompatible toxic chemicals waiting to explode the second we collide.

You can always find a negative story to tell—some situation when another person was insensitive, selfish, uncaring, unfair, or just plain wrong. You can also find an underlying struggle that doesn’t justify but might explain their behavior.

If you absolutely can’t channel that patience and compassion you can always find at least one good thing someone did in your day.

When that stranger held the elevator open, when your coworker let you take the lead in your meeting, when your mother called just to say she loves you; they’re all reminders people are looking out for you—maybe not all of them, and maybe not all the time, but probably more than you notice.

An even better way to honor our interconnection: be someone else’s positive story. Be the kindness that reminds someone else the world is not against them. Give them an anchor of positivity to find later if their circumstances seem overwhelming.

If you’ve ever ended a stressful day with a long hug—the type that’s so needed and loving it’s near impossible not to relax and receive—you know the power of a simple gesture.

1. Try to accept people with an open mind and refrain from making judgments, which are often wrong anyway.

2. Let them know how much you appreciate them. 

3. Any deed done for someone else is a kind one when you don’t expect something in return.

4. Do little things like hold doors open or let folk go in or out first. Little things can make a big difference for someone who’s not having a great day.

5. Accept them for who they are and who they strive to be.

6. Let them know they’ve made you smile. 

7. Be with them when they need you. For the rest of the time, let them be free.

8. Tell them the truth.

9. Tell them why they make a difference in your life that no one else could possibly make—why their particular brand of “special” makes the world a better place for everyone they meet in it.

10. Help them help themselves and be independent.

11. Believe in them and give them hope.

12. Give a simple well meaning smile. 

13. The kindest thing you can do for someone else is to take good care of your own mind, body and soul. This enables kindness in all things.

14. Spend time listening with the intent of learning.

15. The best thing my parents ever taught me—the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

16. Be there for them when they fall and not say I told you so.

17. Give them the space to be.

18. Lend your shoulder to cry on.

19. Thank them for being themselves.

20. Take a moment to send someone a note thanking them for something they have done for you in the past.

21. Treat each person with respect for his or her individuality.

22. Offer encouragement after a failure. 

23. Forgive. 

24. Pay attention to them. From the clerk at the store to your kids at home, most people just want to be heard and acknowledged. Understanding comes later, but everyone can pay attention now.

25. Listen to someone without trying to fix their problem. 

What do you think? What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else?

Today another step into the right direction….

It may be a little step forward… But it is still something.
Today I went out of the house to a sort of place where they play bands and stuff, but the place was so crowded that I freaked out completely….. Thank you Agoraphobic Panic attack, what the heck?

Then I went to the Skate-park nearby my house and I entirely freaked out by the thought of skateboarding in front of all those watching eyes……. It’s like their eyes drill me to death lol. It’s just a weird feeling, you know?

Then I walked up to a bunch of skaters (around 20’s age) and I said Hi to one guy with blonde long hair and I said Im new here and thought I’d drop by to see if it’s fun around here at the skatepark. He offered me a cigarette and then he asked me a bunch of questions, he actually was a guitarist and he wanted my FB to go jamming together. So that’s really epic. Then I picked up my Board and I made a Grind on the rails and then I went away……. And freaked the fuck out and went home again.

It was only 10 minutes… Pure torture of Social Anxiety being around all those strangers only by myself but at least I made friends and someone to jam with….. Nice nice

So I will look forward to going there more often, but thinking of going back hits me big time, nerves all over…. But soon I’ll go back to the scary skate park 😛

10 Min

Achievement:

Made friends

Did one trick on board while being watched

Greetz…..

Xxxxxxxx

It’s the climb……

Steeds verder kom ik dichterbij
Ik ben er nog niet, maar ik zie de sprong
Eerst een living shell maar steeds meer vrij
Voel de innerlijke kracht waar ik altijd al over zong
En ik weet dat het al langzaam begon….

Nooit is het weg geweest, nooit verloren
Alleen verdwaald in een doolhof van ontelbare wegen
Soms denk je hoe klim ik op die toren
Maar het leven heeft zonneschijn en regen

Soms kom je jezelf weer tegen
Vraag je je af, ben ik er al
Maar het bestaat niet, dat is het hele leven
Je maakt een val
Je staat op en je moet weer je kracht geven

Nooit zal de dag aanbreken dat wij zullen zeggen ik ben er
Want in realiteit zijn we er al
Je kiest zelf wanneer die dag begint
Of je nou geluk hebt of tegenwind

Zolang je maar door blijft fietsen
Wie doet mij wat, vandaag?
Niemand, alleen als je stopt met gissen
Want de dag is elke dag wanneer je opstaat
En jij bepaalt waar je voor gaat

Het is niet het eind-doel
Het is de weg ernaar toe
Het is een heleboel
Maar ik zeg Doe

Je bent er nu
En je eind-doel is al bereikt
Want je weet nooit was je niet bevrijdt
Don’t fight, just enjoy the light…..

XXXX

Soon….. I will be back

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Hey there everybody out there!
Its been a long while since I’ve been doing anything on the interland,
I was very busy with moving out, finally got my own place.
Found a lover and I found a nice place to study and work.
But It’s really getting to me that I haven’t been as active on many websites anymore so I will be back in action!

I will be:

  • Writing new journals and fiction stories
  • New vlogs about many subjects
  • Still thinking about Weekly Vlogging
  • New covers and originals on YouTube

I hope y’all know that I’ve been focussing on other stuff in life than the interland *rofl* so I know my YouTube Channel and Twitter and whatnot is all frozen in time, but I’ll come back with some brand new inspirations!

Love y’all!